..

whydid you have to go
why did you go so soon
what did you do to deserve this
what did we do to deserve this
do you know how much i love you
do you know how much we all loved you
do you know you'll never be forgotton
do you know you're always in my heart

i love you zak, always will
you were, and always will be, one of the most genuinely kind and funny men i've known and i was so lucky to have known and spent time with you

little bit

it's either always
or not at all

.

stay with me forever or not at all
cause when you leave i swear i'll fall
i'll go down down down below
and there won't be you to say no

for you i open up my heart
for you i lay my legs apart
for you i let romance start
you know i let you into my world
i want to be your one and only girl

stay with me forever or not at all
cause when you leave i swear i'll fall
i'll go down down down below
and there won't be you to say no
i could beg and plead
fall to my knees
but no
baby you'll go

i thought i was too wise
i thought i was too young
to let myself fall, fall so deep for somebody
but now i've given you my all, my mind, my body
i know i haven't just given it to anyone
but someday you might someone
and it wont be me, it won't be

I'm so happy with you Shea, I am completely in love with you. I know this because I miss you so much the second you leave, I want to spend all my time with you and when we're together it's just amazing. I loved Wednesday, you're just the best ('Welcome back'). I love your hugs and kisses, you know exactly what I like. I want to go away somewhere together, just for a few days. So we can spend loads of time together and it can just be us, no worries. Sound good? Thought so. I also want to have a proper dinner date sometime and I'm excited for dating in the dark but this will happen at your house because you have asparagus at your house and I don't. I honestly didn't think we'd last this long, I thought you'd get tired of me within weeks but it's been 3 and a half months and we're still together and to be honest, I don't see us finishing anytime soon-it's fantastic. I just adore you, everything about you. You're absolutely gorgeous, so hot. Your haircut looks good by the way, saw it on dailybooth. See you tomorrow, I love you x

Happiness is only round the corner

It's so true, I am so happy right now. Ten months ago I was at a really low point because I'd lost somebody really close to me but now I feel things have seriously looked up for me. I'm not a lucky person normally but now I feel like somebody's on my side. I love my friends, I haven't spent loads of time with them recently but I will soon because they're lovely. I love my family even though they can be mean at times, I know they love me too. I have the best boyfriend in the whole wide worlds. He's the bestest. He's so gorgeous and sexy and I seriously wish I could eat him all up but then he'd be gone and that would be a sad day so yeah, that wish is taken back. I love him so much, he made me a cd, a lovely book thing and he's written me a letter. I love him so so so so so so so so much. Ugh, I'm so in love. I always talk about him, everywhere. It's a good habit I think but maybe other people don't see it that way.


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are grey
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away.

white blank page

Why is this the title? Well, I do love the song by Mumford & Sons but it's actually because I feel like I've started a new page in my life, a new chapter I guess. It's a new year at school, my final year which is really important and I've got a new boyfriend, the best one yet and one I want to keep. I'm going to make the effort this year and I don't just mean at school, I mean with everything. A smile really does go a long way and I've realised this more so recently. I want to do all my homework, ask questions when I don't understand something and listen. After all, the teachers are there to help me learn so I should make use of them. I'm going to try harder with Dad, try to get our relationship stronger because nowadays it's odd. He probably doesn't see it that way but all you have to do is look at us when we're around each other, he doesn't do affection anymore and he's never ever told me he loves me. I know he does but I wish he'd say it, just once. I'm going to try and find a close friend, my best friends in Canada and I don't know when or if she'll be coming back so I need a girl that I can be really close too. I don't want a new best friend, that's like trying to replace her. I just want a girl I can confide in and talk to about anything. I've been having a brilliant time with my boyfriend. I love him so much and words aren't even enough now. How can things go so fast with us, is it wrong? Why does time have to go by so quickly? What does he see in me, what's appealing about me? I can't answer any of those questions but I can't help but wonder. I have had the best of days with him and I hope to have so so so much more. I cannot wait until the October holidays, I want to see him almost everyday but obviously I want to see my family too. I'm so in love it's crazy, I'd do anything for him...

Monday 16th of August

I couldn't think of a title so the date is what you get.

I had a massive arguement with my Mum this morning, maybe I deserved some of it but not all of it. I told her she was a horrible mother which isn't true but at the time I felt like she was, I just apologised and kind of got the cold shoulder; just a "mhmm". The thing that annoyed me most was that she didn't let me go to see Shea. She doesn't get that there doesn't have to be a limit on the amount of time I spend with him. I saw him Friday, Saturday and Sunday but it's not as if we were alone so it wasn't 1 on 1 time which I think you need in relationships. If she doesn't let me see him tomorrow I think I'll go crazy, she doesn't realise how much I adore him :(

GOOD SIDE OF TODAY: MY PENDULUM TICKET ARRIVED!!
I'm absolutely buzzin' for it even though it's in december...

Back to school in on Wednesday, crazy. Where have these holidays gone?
I have the dentist in Meldrum at 11.30 so I'll only be at school a few hours then I'll have to leave for my appointment. I'm getting another filling, oh the joys.

I really should stop eating so much chocolate and cupcakes but I bake so that's what happens!

I got the cutest teddy from Shea when he got back from his holiday and he got me chocolates FROM BELGIUM. Oh my freekin' NOM. I wanna' more. Belgium here I come...

Wedding on Friday, pretty excited. Got to read a poem at it so I really should look at the poem. It's really lovey dovey and it's crap I think but oh well!


I will now go and unload the dishwasher, because I am my mothers slaaave.

I LOVE YOU MEEMS MAY.

Space Bound

I've had a quite nice night. I haven't done much but what I have done will hopefully be worth it. Let me explain; my boyfriends away on holiday at the moment, he gets back on Friday and I want him to get a surprise when he gets home so what i'm currently doing is putting together a little album kind of thing. It's got all my favourite lyrics from love songs.

I'm a space bound rocketship and your heart's to the moon
and i'm aiming right at you, right at you
250,000 miles on a clear night in June
and I aim it right at you, right at you, right at you.

It's also got a letter that I typed up at the back so hopefully I can finish it tonight and post it off tomorrow or something. If I don't post it he can always get it when he see's me. It would be embarassing handing it to him though so i'm going to try my very best to finish it tonight. Mum keeps on having a go at me for leaving bits of paper everywhere and I keep telling her that i'm on an important mission and she's like "I know you're making something for Shea and that's lovely but tidy up after yourself darling" haha.

I'm bored at the moment, most of my friends are away and the ones that aren't seem to be busy. 3 of them have boyfriends and the other one always has excuses because she can't be bothered or she's up to something bad. I think Mhiaras last night of work for a while is tonight so hopefully I'll see her the next few days if she hasn't got too much planned.

I want sunshine so my family can have a barbeque or so I can go out and do some gardening. I've been invited to a beach party that's tomorrow but if the weather isn't good I don't know if I really want to go. I've been invited to a few other camping events that are coming up too so hopefully I can lie and go to one of them, that would be good especially if Mhiara can make it. She keeps saying how she'll come to one and she never ever ever does so I'll force her.

I've got my aunts wedding soon, got my dress, handbag and shoes for it. I need to figure out what i'm doing with my hair. I've got a hairdresser coming to my hotel room to do it about 2 hours before the wedding so I have to have decided by then. I might leave it down with soft curls and a little flower in it or maybe just a nice gold slide. I've also been appointed photographer as my auntie doesn't want to hire a photographer because she has an amazing camera herself and she thinks i'm capable of taking artistic photographs so that made me happy but it's also added pressure. I'm already reading a poem out infront of everybody at the wedding so that's stressful enough. I need to speak clear and slowly and when i'm nervous I tend to speak extremely fast so I'll need to do a few run throughs before the day.

Shea gets back on Friday and it is now Tuesday evening. So it's not too long technically but it seems like forever. I spent Thursday, Friday and Saturday with him so going from spending 3 days with him to spending no time with him at all just rips me apart, I've cried twice which is really sad but it's kind of my own fault. I listened to lots of love songs while I was putting the album together so that obviously didn't help.

I want plans for Friday night but i'm not sure what. He won't be home until late so I won't bother asking him over. Might have some friends over to watch a mooovie and chill or if it's going to be good weather I could organise that barbeque I wanted. Mum said I can have a big get together with loads of my girlfriends before the end of the holidays so hopefully I'll do that sometime next week if I get planning. I'm thinking next Wednesday. Lots of lovely ladies in my house, beautiful.

Saturday is devoted to Shea Simpson whether it be at his house or my house we will be together and it will be fabulous because that'll be the first time I see him since he gets back so we'll be amazingly lovey dovey. Well, i'm hoping so.

I haven't been into Aberdeen in the whole of the holidays, mums working afternoons all week but she wanted to take me to the cinema so maybe we'll go in one night or just wait until next week. I need a Starbucks. Strawberries and Cream Frappucino, now that is heaven in a cup. I also fancy some Millies Cookies and maybe a quick look in the art gallery.

I love some of Aberdeens shops. My favourites have got to be Its Kitsch and Coco Violet, sweet by name-sweet by nature I say. I also love Zara, Topshop, H&M, Jack Wills, Miss Selfridge, River Island, Hollister, Elements, Oli and Nic, Office, Cult, Kurt Geiger and I can occasionally find something quite nice in New Look.

I'm already thinking about christmas, i'm crazy but it's really not that far away. I think I'll be on the christmas dance commitee again this year but because it's my last year I'll be one of the head organisers which is majorly exciting. I'm also going to organise our Final Fling and help put together the yearbook and design the leavers hoodies.

I don't know what i'm going to ask for for christmas this year. I kind of want a T in the Park ticket but I might save up and get that myself. I could get them to buy me a new ipod seeing as I lost mine.

I want to go on holiday somewhere, not sure where though but somewhere warm.

My nails are in really good condition, I think i'm getting a french manicure done for the wedding so I'll hopefully look reasonably good.

I'm going to go ask my mum about having all my ladies over next week so I can start organising it, it'll hopefully be lovely to just chill.

P.s. I love Shea Simpson, the world outta' know..

late nights sunshine and love

So it's summer at the moment, lovely. Shame the weathers on and off. I want puuure sunshine, that would make my year (:

So an update, it's been so long.

HEY MHIARA. You Mumford lover, I like White Blank Page (:

Exams didn't go too badly I don't think, I felt afterwards that I could have done more revision but in the exam I'd done as much as I could. I hate how formal exams are, I'd be waaay comfier in my joggers and a t-shirt.

So Dads being off with me, I think he's keeping his distance because he thinks I'll fail alllll my exams. He's being mean too, snaps for no reason :( and Mums being a bitch generally, she trys to act all nice but I ain't fallin' for it no more.

Neeehhh, I love them really. They are good parents most the time.

So my friends are FOOKIN' AMAZING, I love them so much, Lornas away to Sri Lanka soon so I'll miss her lots. Emilys away just now and Caledonia leaves when she comes back. I'm glad i'm going nowhere, it's nice to be at home and see friends and family (:

Been to a few parties, Ollies was a fail for me, it was a good laugh to begin with but I drank too much and that made me have loads of confidence and feel really really randy and it didn't go well for me. I just feel like a sluuut. But i'm over it.

I have a new beginning with looove...

A new lover, thus the red writing.
He's Called Shea and he is an abosolute darrrling. I adore him.
Not only is he sexy, cute and a handsome devil but he's cheeky, fun and smiley which I love.
We get on really well and i'm hoping with all my heart that this works.
He makes me so happy, I am happy. He is mine, why wouldn't I be happy?

I surely deserve a good relationship after having a fair few crappy ones?

YES I dooooo (:

So he's coming with me to a Ceilidh tomorrow aswell as Lorna, Caledonia, Bethan, Peter and Caitlin. Should be good. Hopefully Callum won't be a prick to me.

UGHHH
Ok, so i'm really happy
I'M NOT GOING TO LIE
Shea's lovely, he totally is.

I got asked today
"So do you really like him then, think it'll work?"
and I said
"WITHOUT A DOUBT, hope he feels that way too!"

I miss Becca, sucks that she lives in Glasgow now, I love herr :(


Until next time blogspot x

I'm back

I cannot believe I haven't blogged since January, that's crazy. Most important news; Exams in May, dad is back home from police teaching and I need a boyfriend.

2010. The end of an era or just the beginning?

When I think back to all the memories from the past ten years I get dizzy, what a freak. I honestly honestly won't miss 2009. I did have some great memories, learn new things and meet amazing people but there was too much loss and I don't want to deal with that again. I'm so angry with myself, I feel like I'm dwelling on Zak's death but it's just coming up to a month since he passed away so I feel like I'm doing alright. I just don't want people to carry on as normal because it isn't anymore but now when I'm out and about it's like everybody's carrying on as if he isn't there and I hate that. Maybe they just don't want to think about it, try hard for Zak. I guess I'm a let down then because frankly I can't do that. I'll never be over it. The summertime wasn't enjoyable either, losing Kirsty hit a lot of people big time. I don't want anybody else to be lost but I know it's going to happen and I'm constantly worrying about who's going to be next and to be honest it seems the people that have been taken are becoming closer and closer to me. Less of the depressing stuff right? Think positive or at least Blog positive. I'm trying to look forward to what this year has in store. I can't wait to get my exams out the way so I can enjoy summer. I'll just take everything as it come's I guess.